Dear Steven:
I miss you so very much. Usually at this holidays time of the year you would be visiting here and I would be so excited to see you, hear you, talk, share our lives, and hug you. It was always a time of happiness and my being proud of seeing, feeling how special you were in embracing every different part that your life offered. It was a particular time of the year that was always about our love and family, with seeing you being one of the best gifts I received.You were an amazing son, a man of genius, and filled with a constant stream of ideas, plans, results, and goodness. Tomorrow night is the first evening of Chanukah. I have continued the family tradition and will be lighting the Chanukah candles, using the same Menorah, my prayer book from when I was a kid, and as we always did, dripping 5 drops of candle wax, one for each of us, on the same prayer book page that we have done since time began for us. You are in my mind many times every day and night. I will never be able to express how deeply I love you and miss you. I often wonder about how wonderful our lives would be if you were still here, alive, filled with all the wonderful things that made you Steven Nathaniel Wolkoff. It was not meant to be, I will never understand why you had to die, that you are dead, gone forever. We will never see each other again, never be together, it’s all gone, you are no more. I cry for you as these feelings are being written. You deserved so much better in life. We will always remember who you are. I love you. Love-Dad

Today, September 23, 2011 is your 34th birthday.

It has been 3 and a half years since you were killed.

I remember when you were born and the magical, feelings of being there, watching you, my first child, as you breathed life as part of the miraculous moments of birth. I remember the happy times we all had being together as a family, experiencing the precious baby, child, teenager, and man you became.

I remember how you always asked me as a child to tell you a story before going to sleep, in particular you wanted to hear story’s about my own childhood. No sooner did I finish the story, you would lovingly say to me “tell me the story again”. I remember so much more, I will never forget you, and the unique love we shared as son and father.

I remember how proud you always made me feel that you were more than any father could ever want in a son.

I miss you more than anything I can say in words. I love you more than anything can describe that I feel. It was 30 years of love and happiness that you gave to all of your family. You taught me how to love and the meaning of what is important about life.

You will never be 34, never be all that you would have become in embracing a full life if you had been allowed to live.

The brutal reality is that every single day and night you are not here, and I am sorry for your life being stolen from you, that you cannot feel the sun, rain, snow, air, laughter, be with those you love, and enjoy the simple every day experiences of life.

I hope you feel no fear, no pain any more, that you are not lost, or alone, and I often wonder if you are here, in some way your soul still living, perhaps the red Robin that often perches on the tree limb outside of my window, or in the wind as it touches my face. I want to comfort you, touch you, talk to you, there is so much catching up to do, but none of this is possible.

I think of you almost all the time. I see your face everywhere, I hear your voice all the time as young men come and go and it is as if you were just with me, my hugging you and kissing your cheeks.

I think of you when I hear the song “Tears In Heaven”, it makes me wonder, ask unanswered questions, and sometimes cry. I dedicate it to you, forever, my beloved first born, my Stevie.

The pain of your death gets worse every day that goes by. There is no Steven to touch anymore. I know this was not how it was meant to be. In this part of life we were all supposed to be smiling. Steven should be with his family, friends, loved ones, at the ballgame. He should be across the table at holidays, eating, blowing out the candles on his birthday cake. He should be living, not being written about being dead.

I miss you so very much as only a parent who has lost a child can describe of an emptiness, feelings that never goes away, of the deepest, darkest, most painful hole inside our gut.

I said it often to you, that I LOVE YOU STEVEN, and you ALWAYS responded to me ” I LOVE YOU TOO DAD”.

I so miss the words, the feelings, the hello’s and the goodbye’s. I never knew that you would not return, that it was the last time we would see each other, talk on on the phone, and say the words of our love. It breaks my heart.

I LOVE YOU STEVEN but there is no response anymore. Love-Dad.

I don’t know who you are but thank you for your kind thoughts. Thank you for visiting this website and seeing how amazing he was, how much he did in his short time and letting his family and friends know that Steven still touches people’s lives.

Sandy Wolkoff

http://jerrywolkoff.blogspot.com

I remember everything we did together as father and son as if it were yesterday. You gave me so much love, caring, and goodness. You were so special. Steven you were the love of my life.Thank You my precious Steven.

I remain in a constant state of frozen shock, this wasn’t supposed to happen. There will never be closure, no healing, this is not possible, for you are no more.

You cannot be dead, gone forever, never will we meet again. The other night I awoke from a nightmare where I imagined you were dead. I forced myself out of that nightmare to wake up. For a few seconds, I smiled as I thought it was only a bad nightmare, and you are really alive. I was so happy momentarily, then I realized that the nightmare is real, you are dead.

This cannot be, but it is, Why, Why you?

I weep for you- Where are you my Steven? Lost forever- How can this be? Love Dad